Why Family Doesn’t Mean Automatic Access

Recently, certain individuals in my life have told me I’m “selfish” for not bringing my son around them. They’ve even said it’s “sad” that I’m depriving him of a relationship with them.

Here’s what’s really sad—how they actually believe they’ve made an effort to be in my son’s life, when they haven’t. They remember a few moments from years ago and hold them up as proof of effort, while ignoring the months and years of absence, neglect, or hurtful behavior.

The truth is, I’m not “keeping” my son from anyone. I’m simply no longer going out of my way—begging—for people to be a part of our lives. I’ve done that before, only to be gaslighted, dismissed, and even told outright there was no interest in being involved. And now, somehow, those same people are painting me as the reason there’s no relationship.

And here’s what they don’t seem to grasp—my son doesn’t even want that relationship. At 11 years old, without me ever having to explain it, he understands the difference between genuine effort and the lack of it. He knows because I expose him to love, to family, to true connection. He knows what it feels like to be chosen, valued, and supported—and he can easily see when that’s missing.

If someone genuinely made the effort to build a real relationship with him, I would never stand in the way if he, on his own, decided he wanted that. But until that happens, I will not force it. I will not push my child toward people who have already shown him through their actions—or inaction—what he means to them.

I don’t avoid certain people to punish them. I avoid them because I’ve experienced their toxicity, their judgment, their abandonment. I’ve watched them show up only when it suits them, and vanish when it takes real commitment.

If I know certain people will bring him harm, disappointment, or feelings of inadequacy, why would I push for a relationship that will only hurt him? That’s not deprivation—that’s protection.

Some people live in a world of delusion where they believe being related to a child entitles them to access. But real relationships are built on trust, consistency, and love. If you haven’t given those things, then the relationship you believe exists is only in your imagination.

My job is to protect my son’s peace, self-worth, and joy. And that means allowing in only those who choose us without being chased.

I’d rather be called “selfish” than raise my son to believe that he has to beg for love.