When “Too Nice” Isn’t Actually Nice

It always starts off sweet.

He’s kind. He compliments me. He checks in. He listens. He says the right things. And at first, it feels like maybe this could be something.

But then—too often—it all starts pouring in a little too fast.
Suddenly, I’m being adored before I’ve even had a chance to be known.

He starts doing too much. Trying too hard. Offering things I didn’t ask for. Complimenting me constantly, almost like he’s trying to convince himself he deserves to be there. And that’s when I start to feel myself pulling away—not because I don’t want love or kindness, but because something about it doesn’t feel real.

When someone likes you that much, that quickly—without having taken the time to know your heart, your flaws, your voice when you're tired—it starts to feel less like love and more like desperation. It doesn’t come from connection. It comes from fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being chosen. Fear of not being enough without bending into someone else’s fantasy.

I’ve learned that when a man loses himself trying to win me, it doesn’t feel flattering—it feels suffocating. It puts pressure on me to match energy I didn’t ask for. And it shifts the dynamic from two people getting to know each other to one person trying to earn worth through self-sacrifice.

I don’t want someone to worship me. I want someone to see me.
And still choose me—with clarity, not with codependency.

So when I say no—or even just “not yet”—you’d think, at the very least, we could still be kind. Still be friends. Still share mutual respect for what was or what almost was. Right?

Wrong.

Because the moment I set a boundary, suddenly everything changes.

The “nice guy” becomes a stranger. Cold. Distant. Sometimes even spiteful.
I’ve had men who said they cared deeply about me turn around and act like I never existed the second they realized I wouldn’t be their girlfriend.

So let’s be honest:
If you only wanted me when I was available to date you…
If you only respected me when you thought you had a shot…
If friendship was never truly on the table unless it came with romantic access…
Then you never really cared about me. You just wanted the role filled. You wanted the idea of me, not the actual human I am.

Because if your kindness disappears the moment I express a boundary, it was never kindness. It was a transaction waiting to be fulfilled.

And I’m not here for conditional care.

I can love people deeply in friendship. I can honor connection without needing to label it or own it. I’ve had some of the most meaningful relationships in my life with people I never kissed.

But if you’re only sticking around because of what you think you’ll get—
If my “no” to romance makes me disposable—
Then what you were offering was never love. It was control dressed up in flowers.

So no, I’m not cruel. I’m not playing games.
I’m just not interested in being idolized, chased, or pressured into something that doesn’t feel right for me.

I want connection. Real, rooted, respectful connection.
Not flattery. Not fantasy. Not fear in disguise.

If you can’t meet me there, that’s fine. But don’t pretend I’m the problem just because I won’t play a part in a story you wrote without me.

-AG-